Pippin and Jack: Jet Fuel Formula
by kade32
Summary: BASED on the episode, Jet Fuel Formula. Human!Rocky and Bullwinkle.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Rocky and Bullwinkle. This is a parody based on the original Rocky and Bullwinkle episode, which I think is my most favorite.**

 ** _Starring:_  
** **Warwick Davis as Pippin Dollarhyde,** a savvy and smart former biplane aviator during WWI with dwarfism and Jack's friend. ( _Based on Rocky_ )  
 **Igor Vovkovinskiy as Jack Erwin,** a laid-back former construction foreman with gigantism and Pippin's friend. ( _Based on Bullwinkle_ )  
 **Ólafur Darri Ólafursson as Agent Claus Englebert von Grimmelshausen II,** a devious and slick-minded Nazi spy and one of the spies who are out to kill Pippin and Jack for unknown reasons. ( _Based on Boris Badenov_ )  
 **Lily Collins as Agent Sasha Shaposhnikov,** a seductive, voluptuous and flirtatious Soviet femme fatale and Russian spy hired by the Underground Society as Claus's partner. ( _Based on Natasha Fatale_ )  
 **Ingvar Eggert Sigurðsson as Eforsin Morchenko,** director of the totalitarianistic Underground Society. ( _Based on the Fearless Leader_ )

* * *

 **November 12, 1938 - West Yorkshire, England**

It was nighttime in the high hills were an observatory called the Creed Observatory sits.

 ** _NARRATOR: Our story opens today at the Creed Observatory where an international group of scientists, the Royal Black Hats were meeting to dedicate the new 1,000-inch telescope. The chairman, Lord Leonid Od was presiding._  
**

"Today, we will prove once and for all that there can be no life on the Moon." Lord Od announced and a black-haired gentleman stepped forward. He took the first look into the telescope.

 _ **NARRATOR: Dr. Charles Teller, Black Hat of the Year was given the honor of the first peak.  
**_

"What do you see?" Lord Od asked him.

"I see two moon creatures." Dr. Teller spoke his answer, much to the shock of the rest of attendees.

"Impossible!" Lord Od exclaimed in shock and disbelief with eyes as wide as flying saucers. At the same time, everyone quickly made their way to the telescope to try and get a peek at what he saw.

 _ **NARRATORS: The scientists rushed to the eyepiece and, incredibly, Teller was right.**_

What they saw through the telescope were two human beings standing in the wilderness of the Moon. One of them was a dwarf with short, wavy dirty blonde hair and a WWI pilot uniform along with goggles. The other was a strangle tall person with shaggy black hair and wearing a dark-colored blazer, white button-up shirt, dark brown dress pants with suspenders and black shoes. They were Pippin Dollarhyde and Jack Erwin, two friends who lived in a shack together in the woods outside their hometown of West Salt Lick, Minnesota. They were both different amongst each other's society as they were considered freaks by some. Pippin had dwarfism and Jack had gigantism. Rumor goes out that "a giant and a dwarf live together in the wood". The two were waving to Earth, hoping someone would see them. Unbeknownst to them, there was.

"Why it's a moon man!" A scientist shouted in utter surprise.

"And he's signaling us." Another scientist explained.

"What does he say?" Lord Od asked immediately. From their vision through the scope, Jack was waving red flags around as if giving a signal.

"He says: 'Here we come. Ready or not'." The scientist translated.

 _ **NARRATOR: Sure enough, a strange rocket ship had left the moon was heading straight for the Earth. The words spread in a flash.  
**_

As seen through the eyepiece, some sort of rocket ship was flying straight for Earth. The incredible news spread across the globe with it rumored to be an alien invasion. Some newspapers said on the headline: _Moon Men to Invade U.S.!_ and _President Declares Emergency as Moon Men Near!_ "Extra! Extra! Moon Men to invade Earth! President declares emergency!" A person giving out newspapers shouted. Meanwhile, a radio broadcast was being transmitted by Orson Welles who was directing his latest episode "The War of the Worlds" of the radio drama anthology series _The Mercury Theatre on the Air_ and was using it as a warning to the public.

"Now hear this. This is Orson Welles speaking. The moon rocket ship is nearing the Earth. This invasion is not a play. I repeat: Not a play. Please feel free to panic." Orson Welles said on the speaker.

 _ **NARRATOR: And some people did panic. Stores closed, houses were shut up tight. Everywhere, panic reigned.**_

The cover to a manhole in the street lifted up to reveal a person hiding under it. There was a local shop that was closed with a sign that said "Closed on a Account of Moon Men", a suburban home had planks of wood nailed to the windows and doors to barricade the people inside, even on a farmland, there was a message on the barn roof in big, black, bold letters, "Moon Men, Go Home!". There were two men riding on a subway train who were unfazed by the current widespread panic due to "invasion".

"What's the headline, George?" The man on the left asked.

"'Invasion from Moon'." George answered.

"Hmm. So what else is new?" The man on the left shrugged.

 ** _NARRATOR: Meanwhile at Washington Airport, the newly-appointed ambassador of the Moon, Buford Denton and other dignitaries and diplomats were waiting for the strange craft to land.  
_**

The rocket was getting closer and closer, breaking through Earth's atmosphere, while Ambassador Buford Denton, Gen. Willard Heffelpopper and the others were waiting at the Washington Airport waiting for it to land and sure enough, the craft was heading directly for the airport.

"Here it comes!" A person shouted. The rocket finally crash landed right in front of the group who gave out salutes and hands on their hearts as soon as a quaking boom came as the rocket hit the ground. The group walked up to the destroyed spaceship in extreme caution waiting for someone or something to come out.

 _ **NARRATOR: The rocket ship had made a perfect one-point landing and while all eyes watched expectedly, the hatch opened.  
**_

The entrance to the rocket ship opened up and Pippin and Jack exited their damaged spacecraft and saw everyone.

"Welcome, moon people." Ambassador Denton greeted them, believing them to be the aliens. "You speak Earth talk?"

"Jack, they think we're moon people." Pippin told his giant friend.

"They do? Well, then take me to your president." Jack said dumbly and ordered the ambassador.

"No, no, no. We gotta tell them the truth." Pippin corrected him and introduced himself to the crowd. "Gentlemen, I'm Pippin Dollarhyde."

"And I'm Jack Erwin." Jack introduced himself next.

"And we're both from West Salt Lake, Minnesota." Pippin explained to the shocked dignitaries.

"Minnesota?!" Ambassador Denton exclaimed in disbelief.

"You mean you've been to the Moon and back?" Gen. Heffelpopper asked.

"Why, they've discovered a great new rocket fuel." Ambassador Denton put the pieces together. As soon as their story got out, the duo we're being interviewed and photographers were snapping pictures of them.

 ** _NARRATOR: And so, to a hero's acclaim, our adventurers told their strange and incredible story. It seemed that just days before in a little house in West Salt Lick, Jack had been baking a quick-rising cake according to his grandmother's old recipe. But the first layer (BOOOOOMMMM!) had lifted a little faster than they expected. The next thing they knew, the stove had blown clear to the moon. Well, they had to get it back. And so, the boys put together their version of a spaceship and used the second layer of that extraordinary cake to propel them to the moon.  
_**

"And the third layer blasted us back." Pippin finished the story, leaving the dignitaries dumbfounded and awestruck.

"That cake had better be a revolutionary rocket fuel!" Gen. Heffelpopper deducted, blown away by the story.

"My boy. You must make more of that cake for the government." Ambassador Denton mused.

"Jack, you're going to be a famous scientist." Pippin told his best friend.

"Well, after all, I am a graduate at BICM. Baltimore Institute of Chemistry and Mechanics." Jack said matter-of-factly.

 _ **NARRATOR: Unfortunately, our boys wouldn't have been so happy had they heard two notorious spies.  
**_

From just a distance from where the boys were, there stood a bald man, wearing a black mobster suit, furry coat and fedora standing next to a young beautiful woman with a voluptuous hourglass figure with dark, shoulder-length chestnut hair, lavender eyeshadow, black lipstick, golden earrings, black gloves that go above her elbows, a dark red gown dress with a slit revealing her smooth, bare leg and red high-heels. They were undercover agents of Adolf Hitler's secret super-soldier organization, the Underground Society, assigned to pursue Pippin and Jack. They were to wait for Jack to bake the cake, rediscover the newly-made rocket fuel, then assassinate Jack and steal the recipe for their _führer_ and use it to start a nuclear warfare across the globe until the world's leaders would be forced to give Hitler full power of the world. The man was Claus Englebert von Grimmelshausen II, a Nazi spy originally working for the Underground Society and the most favored agent and the woman was Sasha Shaposhnikov, a Soviet nymphomaniac femme fatale and assassin hired as Claus's partner.

"You hear, Sasha?" Claus said to his sexy partner. "First get the formula, then..." He made a ' _kck_ ' sound while running his finger across his neck with emphasis. "...kill Erwin, or vice versa."

 _ **NARRATOR: And so, a short while later, the new director of guided missiles was interrupted by...  
**_

"Hello, you great, big, wonderful man." Sasha came in and cooed sultrily to Jack, making him blush.

"Why, that's quite neighborly of you." Jack thanked her.

"You will give me grandmama's recipe?" Sasha softly asked getting very close to him and stroked his chest to entice him.

"What for?" Jack asked.

"Well, I hope to be a grandmama myself someday." Sasha lied.

"I'd love to, but in the explosion, I only save half of my recipe." Jack said holding the recipe page which was in half due to the explosion, leaving only the amount of cups shown. "I know how much, but not what of."

 _ **NARRATOR: Sasha's partner then did a very unneighborly thing.  
**_

Sasha looked at Claus standing in the window. While the duo wasn't looking, Claus made the 'kill' gesture, signaling for her to continue with the plan. Sasha pulled out a small package and handed it to Jack.

"Will you hold this package for me?" Sasha requested in a sickly sweet tone and Jack takes the package from her.

"Well, I plan to leave in a couple of minutes." Jack shrugged.

"Don't worry, darling. You will." Sasha told him heading for the door with a hidden evil smile. The faint sound of ticking from the box didn't go unnoticed by Jack, who curiously put his ear to the box in his hands to listen closely.

"It sounds like a clock." Jack said.

 ** _NARRATOR: Jack's steel-trapped mind had done it again. It was a clock. Only attached to 14 sticks of_ _dynamite and it was wired to go off in 30 seconds._**

* * *

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

**_NARRATOR: You remember how surprised the world scientists were when they looked through their 1,000-inch telescope and saw Pippin and Jack flying back from the Moon. But when the boys made their one-point landing, the explanation was ridiculously simple. Jack had tried to bake a quick-rising cake from his grandmother's recipe. The result, naturally, was (BOOOOOMMMM!) the world's most powerful rocket fuel. Jack was immediately ought to go work for the government to duplicate the recipe, which unfortunately had been torn in half in the explosion. Everybody was interested in the result, including two notorious spies. Claus von Grimmelshausen II and Sasha Shaposhnikov. Filling in their attempt to get the formula, they decided to do away with Jack. So Sasha handed him a ticking package containing 14 sticks of dynamite wired to go off in 30 seconds.  
_**

"I'm planning to leave in a couple of minutes." Jack shrugged.

"Don't worry, darling. You will." Sasha said heading for the door with a hidden evil smile. However, when she grabbed the knob, the door wouldn't open.

 ** _NARRATOR: But as Sasha tried to open the door, she found it had been locked behind her._**

"The key! Where's the cotton picking key?!" Sasha shouted desperately to Jack.

"Oh, the key." Jack reached in his pocket and took out a large variety of keys and looked them over. "Well, I got it here somewhere."

* * *

"18 seconds." Claus said counted down from outside the building. "17, 16..."

* * *

"Let's see." Jack checked his keys. "Here's the key to my locker at PS84."

"Hurry up, please!" Sasha exclaiming impatiently.

"The key to my hope chest." Jack pointed out. "It's little, because I'm kinda hopeless."

"I MUST GO OUT QUICKLY!" Sasha banged on the door in a panicked state.

"I'm doing my level best." Jack reminded her.

* * *

"...12, 11, 10..." Claus counted and he looked around, wondering where his partner was.

* * *

"Three trunk keys. In case I ever grow a truck." Jack said, still looking over his keys, causing Sasha to panic even more.

"TIME IS RUNNING OUT!" Sasha shouted in annoyance and fear, trying to jiggle the knob.

* * *

"...8, 7, 6..." Claus continued the countdown.

* * *

"Hey!" Pippin said as Jack held up a random key. "That one belongs to the West Salt Lick Volunteer Fire Department."

"Yeah." Jack said in agreement. "I wonder how they're starting the engine these days."

Sasha had finally had enough as she ran to Jack and yanked the package from his hands.

"Give me my package! You fool!" Sasha ran to the window and threw the box containing the bomb out, unknowingly dropping it next to Claus.

"...3, 2, 1." Claus finished the countdown, unaware of the bomb behind him when it suddenly exploded, blowing him into straight into the air.

"That's what I like. Precision timing." He said as he flew into the air.

 _ **NARRATOR: A few minutes later, Jack had found the right key and the furious Sasha left to meet her partner-in-crime.**_

Sasha dashed out of the room in an irritated and annoyed fashion and left the building into the alley where Claus told her to meet her.

"Claus promised to meet me here. Where is he?" Sasha looked around for him when, coincidentally, Claus landed right next to her into the ground.

"Oh, there you are, darling." Sasha exhaled and asked, "What do we do next?"

"We do what any intelligent, self-sufficient spy with real initiative would do." Claus said getting up. "We wait for instructions."

Back at the Department for Guided Missiles, Jack and Pippin were working on their new fudge cake from the recipe in an attempt to recreate the rocket fuel. Pippin was stirring the bowl while Jack had his fingers crossed, hoping it was correct. But more importantly, that it wouldn't blow up in their faces like last time. Literally.

 ** _NARRATOR: Meanwhile, the fact that Jack's rocket fuel was made from his grandmother's fudge cake recipe was having a great effect on the whole country. Top scientists discarded their most complex apparatus._**

In a laboratory, a scientist was getting rid of a set of beakers and machinery.

"Irwell?" The other scientist asked with his pointer finger out. The scientist who throw the equipment out came up to him and right into his finger. "Go get me an 8-inch cake and a set of cookie cutters."

 _ **NARRATOR: Colleges changed their field of study.  
**_

At a local university, a professor was making his announcement to his students.

"This year, gentlemen, we will study atomic structure, nuclear physics and fudge making." The professor announced.

 ** _NARRATOR: The effect spread to other countries.  
_**

In the icy wilderness of Siberia, two freezing Russian gentleman were walking through the high, thick snow pass an icy mound with polar bears sitting on it.

"But you are top nuclear physicist. How come you are sent to Siberia?" The tall man asked the short man.

"My biscuits were too heavy." The short man responded.

 _ **NARRATOR: In the USA, grandmothers rose to national prominence. As advised to the president. As scientists.  
**_

"I'd like you to meet our new head of research and development." The head scientist told his fellow workers in a meeting room and introduced an elderly woman who greeted "Hello, boys."

 _ **NARRATOR: Even bathing beauty contests took on a new look. Grandmother's Rain Supreme. In own their own laboratory, Pippin and Jack were still hard at work.  
**_

The two finally created their finest fudge cake.

"Here's the latest one, Pippin." Jack said holding the cake.

"Will it make a good rocket fuel, Jack?" Pippin asked him.

"Well, I don't know. But it'll sure make a dandy lunch." Jack laughed.

They saw at the table, ready to eat the cake for lunch together. Unknown to them, a few feet from where they were sitting, a pale grey hand was clutching a sinister-looking weapon and pointing right at them.

 ** _NARRATOR: The boys wouldn't have been so happy if they had the change to look behind them. For at that moment, a scrawny, pale hand was raising a strange weapon and pointing it right at their heads._**

* * *

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. Chapter 3

_**NARRATOR: Well, Pippin and Jack really started something just by trying to bake a cake. For instead of dessert, they wound up with an explosive (BOOOMMMMM!) that blown their stove clean to the Moon. The nation was astounded. Jack was immediately made director of guided missiles and he and Pippin set out to duplicate the recipe, which unfortunately had been torn in half by the explosion. But, apparently, not everyone wanted them to succeed. For when we left them last time, a scrawny, pale hand was raising a sinister weapon and pointing it right at their heads.**_

"Oh my gosh, Jack! Look there!" Pippin exclaimed to his equally shocked giant friend.

Right over to where Pippin was pointing, there in front of the duo stood two strange-looking beings. They both looked very identical with scrawny, slender bodies, pale skin, bulbous, bald heads and big, black, pupil-less eyes. The one on the right was holding the weapon at them and was wearing a watch of some sort on his wrist. They were both X and O, two extraterrestrial lunar creatures who fear they will have an invasion from Earth after learning about Pippin and Jack rocketing to the Moon due to their rocket-fueled fudge cake recipe. The clear sight of them left a tingle of curiosity and fright down the duo's spine. They were completely confused at who or what they were and where they came from.

"Now, X?" O asked anxiously while holding the weapon.

"Not now, O." X said strictly.

"Why not?" O asked pouting. "I haven't scrooched anyone since we've been here." It appears they are able to turn invisible and hover. They continuously blink from invisible to visible.

"What are they, Pippin?" Jack asked.

"I don't know. I've never seen anything like them." Pippin replied staring at the two aliens.

"Maybe they're congressmen." Jack suggested and Pippin went up to them.

"Uh, who are you?" Pippin asked until the weapon was pointed at his face, prompting him to raise his hands in the air.

"Put your hands in the air and no sudden moves." X ordered. "O, here, is very nervous."

"Yeah." O nodded. "Especially in his finger." He gestured to his finger on the trigger.

"Yeah, that's the worst one, too." Jack said with his hands up as well.

"What do you fellas want, anyway?" Pippin asked.

"Yeah, and how come the funny suits?" Jack asked, believing them to be in costumes.

"Funny suits?" X asked looking at himself.

"They're out of this world." Jack remarked.

"You are so right." X mused.

"I am?" Jack asked.

"Yes. We're from the Moon." X told them, much to their astonishment.

"THE MOON!?" Pippin and Jack exclaimed in disbelief.

"Yes, and if there's one thing we don't want, it's an invasion from Earth." X said pointing at Jack, hovering up to his level.

"Especially an invasion of tourists." O said.

"We need such a quiet life on the Moon." X explained. "Take a look at what we had go through just to prepare for a visit here."

X suddenly projected a holographic film through his eyes like a movie projection to show what they went through.

"Yeah. We had to practice dodging traffic." O said.

"And listening to jukeboxes." X said.

"And filling out forms." O said.

"And breathing smog." X said.

"And riding on subways." O said.

"And regular bathing." X said.

"Oh, it was awful." O concluded.

"Seven of us were chosen. Only two made it." X explained.

"So you see?" O asked. "We must stop you from using that formula. One way or another."

"I don't mind that one way. It's the another that bothers me." Jack said with fear.

"But we don't even have the formula yet." Pippin reminded them.

"Do I scrooch him now, X?" O asked desperately with the gun still pointed at Pippin's head.

"Well, not if they don't have the formula." X spoke.

"Oh, moon rats!" O pouted in frustration.

"But we'll come back." X said. "And as soon as they get the formula,..."

"ZAP!" O grinned, making a gun gesture with his hand.

"Yes, zap!" X nodded and turned to the duo. "Bye now."

 _ **NARRATOR: And the two grey men slipped out through the ventilator shaft. Hours later as they made their way home...**_

"Moon men." Pippin breathed, still surprised by the experience. "Boy, were you scared, Jack?"

"Of course not." He replied. Although, he contradicted himself as he still had his hands high above his head. "Uh, do you think I can put my hands down now?"

 ** _NARRATOR: But our boys still weren't out of danger for in his hotel room 12 stories up, Claus was readying another fiendish plan._**

From the window of a hotel room on the sixth floor, Claus had a safe tied to a rope high above the air ready to be plummeted on their respective targets: Pippin and Jack.

"You have the orders in code, Sasha?" He asked his partner.

"Yes."

"Then translate."

Sasha held a sheet of paper near a lit candle, providing light to reveal the message.

"Two words that say "Kill Erwin"." She read.

"I knew it!" Claus boasted, cutting the rope and sending the safe downward. "And look! Dollarhyde is with him! It's going to be a double feature."

 ** _NARRATOR: And the heavy safe hurdled straight down toward the unsuspecting pair._**

* * *

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
